First off, let me say how grateful I am. Not everybody gets the opportunity to say "Hey, wait a minute, I'm not going to slip into the morass of the person I can't help becoming." A lot of us simply become that person without a sense of choice or awareness. 

Thanks to a combination of forces, I've been blessed with some kind of awareness about myself and who I'm becoming––though this awareness has often been of the paper-thin, just-hanging-on variety. I've spent so much time running away from the curses that I watch myself like a hawk, continually assess my emotional geography to see where I am in relation to those curses (anger, insanity, substance abuse). 

I think of this as a kind of psychic GPS. "Hey Steve, you're veering too far in this direction." Or "Hey Steve, the line of thinking you're on is leading you into very specific and nonproductive behaviors." In this way––mind you, I've been navigation my world this way since my dad lost his shit when I was nine––I've been able to stay out of too much trouble and cobble together a self-respecting life. But when the earplug phase hit, it's as if the GPS system simply stopped functioning. 

Ha ha! said the curse. Let's see how well you can function without your little compass, sucker!

I didn't respond well. I thought everything would unravel. I made everyone around me afraid. But I also got through it, with a whole lotta help.

1. FUCKING HEAD OFF / FUCKING NUT HOUSE
2. WANTING TO LOSE IT
3. WORKING ON MY SCREAM
4. AND THEN IT (SORT OF) ENDED