I envy men who had good fathers, and I feel like I can pick them out of a lineup. They end up judicious, firm but nurturing, uninterested in self-desecration, able to find their own paths in life without needing to blow up every single bridge they've crossed, which is what I did to gain the desperate, illusory freedom that allowed me to bushwhack my way through the underbrush of fatherhood to an identity I could sustain. 

I envy them because, when they become fathers, they can calmly ask themselves "What would dad do?" and, judiciously, fall back on that same pattern or make some small alteration to it to fit the times and circumstances. This envied man probably doesn't exist. Parenthood throws you into the water over your head pretty quickly, and people who think they haven't figured it out are usually clinging to somebody else's game plan (and one adopted without much reflection). 

Nonetheless, there are degrees of panic and calm. As a father, I've tended to run more to the PANIC side of that pressure gauge, often in the red zone when the whole apparatus is about to blow. It's only recently, hitting the half-century mark and facing mortality in a fresh way, that I've started to develop a bit of calm, and when I feel it in myself I wish I'd developed some earlier. I would've spent less time freaking out, less time yelling at the kids, less time chastising myself for doing both. 

But I guess I had to find my own way to the proper balance, right? That's what they say. Once in a half-drunken conversation a non-father friend told me that it was good I'd bushwhacked my to a fatherly identity, because it was truly mine. I'd learned it "the hard way." But having done so many things the hard way, I'm no longer sure of its value. I spent a lot of energy hacking through underbrush (not to mention blowing up bridges) simply to find my way to the main road. 

Did I really have to? Wasn't there another way? And if I'd taken it, would I have more energy now to do stuff with my kids? That option wasn't available, I guess. If I hadn't had to fight myself, I'm sure I'd be a better dad. But if I hadn't fought myself, I would never have become a dad at all.

1. YOU GOT BAD BLOOD
2. BIOLOGICAL CLOCK? SELFISH DESPERATION?
3. ONE FREEZING NIGHT IN PENNSYLVANIA
4. THE LONG-SUFFERING WIFE
5. MR. MONEYBAGS
6. ALMOST DIDN'T HAPPEN