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Time to Admit Truth About Graigslist

So as much as Roomy doesn’t like it and I wish it were some other way….I need to admit to myself that CF is not really just a Casual Fling to me. I really want it to work out between us and although he said he ‘wasn’t ready’ those aren’t the signals he’s giving out. Why else would he have gone crazy about my textual slip? I suppose I decided to play hard ball and not hide my other dates partly to punish him for being an idiot and partly to protect myself. That’s all very logical but if I do really want to give it a chance then I think I’m going to have to ‘risk it for a biscuit’. Sooo on Friday night when he predictably asks what I’m up to I go round to his for a bit, he knows I’ve only got a couple of hours as I’ve promised Roomy we’ll go out for a few late bevies. When I go to leave I tell him that I’ve decided I’m not going to see anyone else for a while, he seems pleased but I don’t know how I’ve come to that conclusion as he doesn’t really say much! I just don’t think he was expecting me to be sensible for a change and is probably processing the information.

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When I get back to the flat I recount things to Roomy, she’s surprisingly supportive and says it’s a fair way to decide whether CF and I are ever going to be anything more than just a CF. Then she asks me what I’m going to do about the date with Mark the following night for the ‘secret gig’. Oh shit, this isn’t going to be easy. Despite the fact I’m fairly sure he’s going to be devastated that I’m blowing him out he’s gone to all the trouble of getting tickets to see some band that he knows I love. How am I going to deal with this?? We do what all sensible people do in a crisis and pour a couple of G&T’s. Then we have a few more while we’re getting ready to go out, I decide I should phone him….now, and it goes something like this;

Mark “Hello, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you tonight!”
Me “I know, sorry to call unexpectedly but I need to talk to you”
Mark “Oh right, are you ok?”
Me “Yes I’m fine, er no, not really. Look, I can’t come tomorrow”
Mark “Oh no, that’s such a shame I’ve been looking forward to it so much! Well don’t worry I reckon my mate will go with me tomorrow, I’ll take you out for Sunday lunch instead”
Me “No, I can’t….I’m sorry I can’t see you again”
Mark “What? Where has this come from? I don’t understand, why can’t you come tomorrow and what’s happened to bring this on?”

Now I’m thinking f***….I’ve got to explain myself but I can’t tell him the f***ing truth!

Me “I can’t come because I might be pregnant” OMG what am I doing???? Why did I say that? Roomie is watching me with her hands clapped over her mouth in shock. I am so going to burn in hell for this! And just to pre-empt what you’re thinking…I haven’t even slept with Mark! There is complete silence on the other end of the phone.

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Me “Look, I was seeing someone on and off for a while before I met you and I’m not sure what’s going to happen but this changes everything”
Mark “Oh my god I’m so sorry, you sound so upset. Are you ok? Do you want me to come and see you?” What? Is the man insane? He should be screaming at me and calling me a slut by now! Why did I have to get the understanding guy who still wants to stick around even when I’ve given him one of the most heinous excuses why I can’t see him?!
Me “No, no. Roomy’s here with me. I’m afraid I just want to be left alone really, I’m so so sorry to do this to you””
Mark “Okay, I see. Please call me if you need anything though, anything at all. Even if you just want a chat. I hope everything will be ok….”

And we sign off after a bit more of me playing the injured bird to try and hide what an evil witch I really am and him trying to persuade me that I really do need him even though he believes I may be impregnated with another mans spawn”

Roomy is incredulous, and she’s known me for 15 years! We pour another drink and go out on the town ten minutes later. Poor Mark.